Honoring Mothers

In celebration of Mother’s Day, I’d like to focus on paying tribute to my own mother, who passed away two months ago. I have shared with many of you touching stories about my mom and her amazing life. She would have been 97 next month. As I wrote her obituary recently, I astounded myself as I recapped the fact that she had 5 children, 13 grandchildren, 12 great-grandchildren and even 3 great-great grandchildren!

My siblings and I were fortunate in that we were able to say our goodbyes to our mom before she passed. With her age being what it was, each time we visited her these past few years, we wondered if that would be the last time we would see her. Every day that passed would be a gift and Mother knew that.

Last year for her birthday I created a memory book where we gathered favorite stories or memories from our family, and I bound it together with photos. At her 96th birthday party, each of us read aloud our favorite memory, and we all laughed and cried together as we reminisced about a lifetime of love, hardship, laughter and more love. It was an amazing time, and I am so thankful that we were able to honor her while she was alive.

During the last few days Mother was alive and fighting hard to hold on, one of her nurses told us that women, in particular mothers, often hold on the longest as it is in their nature to always be there for their families. She was a fighter her entire life, so why would we expect anything else from her even in death?

One by one, each of us “released” Mother by telling her we were all together and ensuring her that we would all be just fine. As the youngest, it was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do – letting my mother go and telling her it was ok to stop fighting. Mother passed away the next day, and although we miss her terribly, she had a life worth celebrating, which is exactly what her family has done in her passing.

If you’re fortunate enough to still have your mother in your life, let me encourage you to: Thank God every day for your mother and tell her how much you appreciate all she’s done for you; Go visit her or pick up the phone and tell her how much you love her. If you’ve not been receptive to love that she has tried to extend, open up your heart and extend forgiveness. If she’s passed, then don’t live with regrets of what you did or didn’t do. Accept things, move on and try to live every day a better person, changing the things you can.

My mother’s legacy will live on through all of those left behind who were fortunate enough to have been touched by her amazing life. I am truly honored to be one of them and thank God that He chose her to be my mother.

I encourage each of you to celebrate the mother or “mother-figure” in your life. I am thankful to celebrate Mother's Day with at least one of my daughters in person this year, and even though miles separate me from my other two girls on this day, I know how much they love and honor me, which is apparent in our daily conversations and the special cards and gifts they share.

A part of me is missing this year as I can't pick up the phone and call or visit my mother. However, I know her spirit is ever present in everything I do. I miss you so much Mother.

Happy Mother's Day to all my mom-friends and family. Make it memorable!

Back to the basics of life and love....

“The consumption society has made us feel that happiness lies in having things, and has failed to teach us the happiness of not having things.” ~ Elise Boulding

Supposedly we’re coming to the end of a recession – or at least the worst of the worst, but who really knows? I spoke to an acquaintance today who told me that 8 out of 10 of her friends have lost their homes to foreclosures. She also told me that when her $500 a month Audi lease runs out, she is going to downsize to a more affordable car. She rarely goes out anymore and has definitely simplified her life. Here in Scottsdale, I’ve noticed empty parking spots in otherwise packed high-end restaurants a year or so ago. It’s happening all around us, and no one is immune to its effects.

Recently I put together some short stories that my mom had written 10 years ago, and one of them was titled “Our Cotton Pickin’ Honeymoon.” You see my parents were married in 1932 in the heart of the Great Depression. As I was editing the story for her 96th birthday tribute, I couldn’t help but be touched by how she described the early years of their marriage and how in the midst of all the uncertainty and turmoil, they were truly happy.

They didn’t have a car when they first married, but then my dad bought a Model T Coupe from his brother-in-law. It didn’t run at the time, but he was able to overhaul it. He bought the car on credit for $10 and paid if off $1 a week. They set off on their honeymoon adventure looking for cotton to open in the west Texas area. Apparently my mom and dad could pull cotton faster than most, and were able to pull 1,000 pounds a day for a whopping $3! They didn’t have a place to stay, so they drove around with an old mattress tied to the top of their car, uncertain as to where they would lay their heads each night. At one point, they lived in a dirt floor room at my grandparent’s house. Here’s an excerpt from her story:

“The following spring, we moved into their garage, which had a dirt floor. We had a table, two chairs, a bed, and apple crates standing on ends for cabinets to put our dishes in, also used as a dresser with a small mirror propped against the wall. I kept it as clean and attractive as I could. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all bad. We were happy and so much in love that we looked at every day as an adventure. We didn’t have much, but neither did very many other people.”

My mom was 20, and my dad was 22 at the time, very young, but so much in love. They didn’t know from day to day where their next meal would come from. However, I still see my mom’s eyes light up even now, 70+ years later, when she reminisces about that time in her life.

Maybe what we’re going through right now isn’t really so bad. I see people who otherwise would be driving around in their fancy cars, wearing fancy watches and designer ‘everything’ having to take a step back and simplify their lives. Just as a national tragedy seems to bring people together, I see people of all backgrounds making adjustments during this time of economic crisis and begin to share their situations with others who at one time may have seemed worlds away from their own socioeconomic status.

So maybe you’re thinking twice about running over to the latest hot spot and dropping a couple hundred dollars on a meal and a nice bottle of wine, and maybe you’re looking at the next level down for your designer jeans – whatever it is, simplification is definitely the order of the day. The days of keeping up with the Jones’ are a thing of the past – at least in the real world. When thinking about writing this blog on the subject of getting back to the basics, this old Waylon Jennings song stuck in my mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiIXRAlUdQs

So maybe we need to get back to the basics of love as well: What I hear from my mom when she shares about that challenging time in her life was not one of doom and gloom, but rather a time of adventure she and my dad shared as “one.” They were experiencing life with the unconditional love of one another, and nothing could come between that love, even if it meant picking cotton on their honeymoon!

Maybe there's a lesson to be learned from our current state. Maybe we stop looking for the "bigger, better deal." Maybe we have people right under our noses who were strategically placed in our lives so that we can possibly experience that "Great Depression” love my parents experienced. Maybe we should be extremely thankful for what we have in 2009 right here and right now. Maybe it’s time we get back to the basics in life and love...

Patience my child...

Growing up with older parents made me realize how precious life is. I lost my father when I was only 18 years old, and I was devastated - I felt so abandoned during such an already difficult stage of my life. My mother went on to outlive a second husband (13 years her junior), as well as her oldest son who passed away a few years ago. She currently lives in an assisted living home in Texas, and my family and I just celebrated her 96th birthday! Although none of us children live nearby, she seems to be managing fairly well. She's survived a partial hip replacement after breaking her hip last year and gets around by using a walker. She is pretty frail, but thankfully says she doesn't hurt anywhere, which is truly a blessing. Mentally, she has her good days and her bad days.

The last couple of weeks, it seems she has called myself, my brother and two sisters sporadically, sometimes several times a day, as she thinks she hasn't talked to us for a while. About a week or so ago, she called me at 6:00 a.m. my time (7:00 am her time), and when I answered, she said "Do you know who this is?" Before I could say anything, she gave me her first and last name. My heart sunk, and I said "Of course, Mother, I know this is you." After I made sure she was alright, I told her how frightened I was that she was calling so early as I was so worried that something had happened to her. She then apologized for worrying me and began to ask the same canned questions that she asks my siblings and I each time that she calls. "How in the world are you?" "What's new?" She said she saw her phone list of names and thought "Well I haven't talked to her in a while." I told her that I indeed had just spoken with her a few days prior.

I went ahead and went on with my workday. Later that same day, I walked into my house after work to the phone ringing. I saw on the called ID that it was Mother again. I answered, and it was like we never talked at all that day. After we went through the same conversation we'd had earlier, I explained that I was getting ready for a date that evening and needed to go. She wished me a fun night and we hung up. It wasn't 30 minutes later until there she was on the caller ID once again. I let it go to voice mail...

I know - I felt bad doing it, but as ashamed of myself as I was, I did it anyway. I had to get ready for my date afterall, and heaven forbid I spend another five minutes or so repeating my conversation from earlier. After talking to my siblings a couple of days later, they confirmed that yes, Mother had been calling them randomly the same way. We all laughed about it and agreed that at least she was still able to pick up the phone and call us.

A few days later, I received a "forward" from a good friend of mine. You're probably no different than me in that you receive a handful or two of "forwards" each day. You might delete most of them, especially if you are constantly receiving them from particular people who seem to have nothing better to do with their time than to hit that forward button to everyone in their address book. This forward had sat in my inbox a few days before I took the time to open it, but when I did - the impact it had on me was powerful. It was a much needed reminder of role reversal and how one day the child may be nurturing the parent with the same much needed patience the once younger parent had to show to the helpless child.

Check this out - it only takes a couple of minutes and is so worth the viewing. It's a 2007 short Greek film about a father and son sitting on a bench.

"What is that?"

For those of you who still have your parents around, you are fortunate - truly blessed. Don't let another day go by without showing or telling them how much you love them. Be patient with them. You may not have another chance, and living with regrets is not healthy.

Mother called me this afternoon while I was still at work. I had been feeling very guilty about how I had sent her to voicemail and joked with my sisters about receiving "stalker" calls from Mother. When I saw she was calling, I picked up the phone with a big smile on my face and was ready for the questions, "So how in the world are you?" she asked. Her voice sounded very happy and she seemed more clear-minded than she was the last time we spoke. She said she was feeling so good that it was just "ridiculous!" She then told me how much she loved me and how she had the best kids in the world. I told her we had the best mother in the world. We hung up after I told her I would talk to her in a few days.

I've asked God to forgive me for my selfishness and lack of patience with my mother. Tomorrow is another day, and I'm ready for that phone call. I know that one day I'll be wishing I could hear her voice, so I'm going to enjoy it while I can and be available whenever she calls. Maybe I'll even surprise her and call her first!